Toboggan or Not Toboggan

It all began when our financial counselor told us that my life insurance premium would go up significantly on my 60th birthday and suggested that I search for a cheaper policy.   Checking the last age bracket on every application form I filled out - the one with the + after those fateful double digits - made me confront my own mortality in a way that only morbity tables can inspire.

I began to think that life at 60 was not some magical zenith but the beginning of a downward slide toward the proverbial end of the road.  At that very moment, I happened to discover a somber article about  Chicago closing its last toboggan slides, which were in such disrepair that even the protests of generations of families could not save them.  Having grown up in Memphis, I wasn't really sure what a toboggan was, but I knew that it went down hill, and that its demise surely foreshadowed my own. 

I told my dear friend Natalie this story one night at a party, and she, being a consummate writer and legal historian of high standing, immediately asked if toboggans were becoming extinct across the planet.  I confided that I did not know, but in a half-hearted effort to reassure us both, I said that I didn't think the phenomenon was related to global warming.  With my ignorance tugging at my conscience, I further said that when I Googled toboggans, the greatest number of articles I found were ads for virtual toboggan games and electronic toboggan slides. "There," she said with an uplifting air, "tobogganing is safe, and will live on forever over the Internet." 

Well, one thing led to another, and Natalie suggested that I join her in the world of blogging. I dared not tell her that evening that the idea of my clever sayings living on beyond my last toboggan run was a great comfort. But I want you to know, Natalie, that you have given me new hope. 

And, to prove my verve, I want to tell you about my amazing discovery today of a BBC news story about topless tobogganing in Germany.  It seems that a handful of giddy gliders braved the elements topless to the applause and gratitude of some 1,500 frenzied German onlookers.  The ride ended with the tobogganers rolling onto their bare backs to stop their indecent descent and amuse the crowd.

I don't know if topless toboggan riding will catch on in time for the 2014 Russian Olympics, but if it does, it will make the luge seem as thrilling as watching a carousel ride. They may even have to reinvent the sport to compete - lewd luging - or better yet, buff bobsledding and snowboarding.

Put that in your half pipe and smoke it, Mr. Shaun White.  I intend to make the most of my last season's pass - even if it is all downhill.

Toboggan with the Devil

Some things seem irretrievable - like putting your taxes into the big-blue, yawing mail box on April 15 or sending a blog into cyberspace. Or, say, turning 60.

Turning 60 is inevitable, but its memories do not have to be irretrievable. In fact, it is turning out to be a great time to celebrate my ability to retrieve some - and hopefully, all - of my favorite memories. It is also an opportunity to record and share some of the truths, clever sayings, and wonderments of the moment - my moment - to enjoy one last toboggan ride down memory lane.

So, here are my top ten ways to know you are turning 60.

10. You discover that the right click you keep hearing is coming from your wrist and not the computer mouse.

9. Everyone sitting in a priority seat on the subway insists on giving it to you.

8. The WebMD Internet site automatically takes you to the article on shunts.

7. You’re more interested in finding the defibrillator than the exit door on an airplane.

6. You wonder if the full body scan at the airport can pick up prostate problems.

5. You calculate that the warranty on your new roof will expire after you do.

4. You fantasize that the escort dating service gives a senior discount.

3. Your birthday gifts include XXX pajamas and PG videos.

2. Your doctor casually asks if you are an organ donor.

1. You’ve considered growing medical marijuana as a second career.


I'll have more to say about toboggans in my next post.